Well, my formerly glorious red color was fading fast, so I took it upon myself to play goddess of the
strands. I bought “sable cove” hair dye (dark brown was printed in male right below that).  45 minutes later, my hair is BLACK.  B-L-A-C-fucking-K.  It is jet-black inside, and black in the sun.  Brown never entered this dye’s vocabulary.  I had black hair and black tears running down my black face.  Except for the tears part, it’s all true.  Will’s first reaction was to compare me to a witch, while my roommate
laughed hysterically.  Ha ha.

I think some of you might have a vague conception of anger.  Some of you may have been really mad at one point in your lives, but none of you have ever been SO DAMN MAD that you were thinking of writing a letter of complaint.  That’s right!  It will be something like:  “Brown?  Black!  Mother-fuckers.”  The very foundation of the company will be ROCKED.

My plan for the rest of my life is to wear a hat- every day, all day, forever.  Some of you might say, “Aw… it will grow out.”  Well, wienerheads, you are WRONG.  May I direct your attention to the “permanent” clause on the label?  That means FOREVER.  (Note: For security reasons, the actual length of forever may
vary from 6 weeks to 6 weeks and a day.)  FOR-EV-VER!  I have no intention of ever dying my hair again
unless I become a rock-star and it’s important for my message or I change my mind.  I might try to lighten it soon, but that would probably lead to me buying more hats.