Memes have a tendency to make a person past their teenage years feel old. Really damn old. Some, like the “Fail” tag, appeal to me. Others, like the “babby” joke or half of the rapidly spawning initialisms used by hardcore Twitterererers make no sense and consequently cause me to feel older than I really am. I grew up with computers, so the technology isn’t what scares me (although I took “The Moron Test” on a friend’s iPhone the other day and those things do kind of frighten me now), it’s the people that have access to said technology and then subsequently ruin it for me. Consider the following trend generators:
Myspace. My first foray into social networking was on myspace. Oh sure, it grand at first- posting pictures! Writing a blog! Commenting on my friends sites with inappropriate booty videos! Then my actual friends stopped using it and the only chatter heard echoing through the site’s dank halls were crappy bands trying to promote themselves and amateur porn stars trying to sex me up. Myspace has been ruined by spam and the lack of interest from people I actually know (I’ve essentially dropped it, too, what’s in it for me now?). So, I evolved onto…
Facebook. I was sort of a latecomer to Facebook and didn’t like it at first. No making my site borders and text coordinate with a hot pink and black background, no selecting playlists for all my friends to ignore marvel at, no adding beer logos, drug references and English-to-Klingon translators… the site was bereft of my classy personal touch. So, I jumped onto the app bandwagon and added a bunch of stupid programs that did nothing but clutter up my page. But I could move my lolcat app next to my Chuck Norris phrase generator- displacing my stick figure family portrait, sure, but that’s not nearly as funny. Then Facebook had an identity crisis and decided to cross-dress as a Twitter and now I have an unmanageable newsfeed that is useless in stalking anyone. 17,000 quizzes are completed each day and we’re all mourning 9 different celebrity deaths and these personal revelations/grieving tributes push down all the normal updates so I never know what the fuck is going on. Also, it probably doesn’t help that I changed my language to “pirate.” It’s really difficult to find my “Grog Fest” invitations now. Anyway, too much chatter is Facebook’s problem. Then there’s…
Twitter. Not everyone uses this. A lot of people actually hate it. But I joined thanks to my friend Shannon and since T-Mobile doesn’t support Facebook text updates, I now have a way (kudos to another little app) to update from my yacht or wherever I happen to be. I don’t update all the time and I don’t understand 95% of others’ updates as half of the text is illegible acronyms indicating… well… something about somebody. I don’t fucking know. This site is inane and pretty much pointless, but I still want to know what the hell everyone is saying.
These sites help generate/distribute many of the new ideas and phrases that perplex me so. Nickelodeon and the Disney Channel are also helping to dig my early grave by mass-producing today’s teen idols. When someone is so huge that they outsell Sting and you have NO IDEA who he/she is, you know you’re getting old. I have a ten year-old sister-in-law, and I like to attempt to keep current enough to buy her decent presents. So, two Christmases ago I read up and purchased her something related to art (painting set?), and something having to do with Hannah Montana (doll?). Then, I found out a few short months later that she HATES Hannah Montana and drew horns and a moustache on all her posters. So it goes… I can’t really keep up with the kids these days… but I realize that my parents probably wondered why the hell I wanted a New Kids on the Block comic book, seeing as how only one of them was even remotely attractive (Joey, duh). But I was young and only saw their awesome star power. Today, all the cool girls seem to want to “go around” with the Jonas Brothers (whatever that means today- oral? eye socket? who knows), and I am forced to wonder how much their comic books go for…